This was kind of fun...

Got a few books in the mail today (Giant Size Chillers 1, The Shadow 1, The Eternals 1, and Secrets of Haunted House 1). Managed to read the last three during lunch... The Shadow (the O'Neil/Kaluta version) was really freakin' sweet. Definitely definitely definitely am going to try to pick up the rest of this series. The Eternals (which I got for $1!!) was also really great. Definitely want the rest of this series as well. Secrets of Haunted House, however... bland. I tried writing this review for www.comics-db.com but it's not submitting for some reason.

So I'm posting it here. So that I don't lose it.

The 4-part Secrets of Haunted House #1 sees the return of Destiny after his replacement, by Eve, in Weird Mystery Tales. Also hosting are Cain, Abel, and the Witch.

The initial surrounding story by Steve Skeates and Ricardo Vilamonte pits Cain and the Witch against Destiny in an attempt to rewrite a portion of his book as Abel hangs in a precarious position over a ledge about to break. In the struggle to remove the book from Destiny's grasp, Cain hits Abel with the freed book knocking him over the ledge onto the rocks below... this reminds the Witch of a similar story...

"Dead Heat" by Michael Pellowski, Robert Kanigher, and Ernie Chua opens with a stark description of "The Twist"... a road more reminiscent of the Jan & Dean "Dead Man's Curve" than the Hank Ballard tune to which the author draws a parallel...

Accidents are abundant along the dark and windy road and we open on Nick and Bud careening along the road in an ambulance bent on retrieving the newest crash victim from the clutches of death. The paramedics find the victim, and rush him back to the hospital - all along mentioning how much they don't want to lose a "point" were the patient to die. Nick and Bud make it to the hospital in time but are dismayed that the doctor cannot save the victim's life. Three more times, Nick and Bud traverse "The Twist" bringing crash victims back to the hospital. Their fourth victim survives, leaving their game tied - two victims saved, two victims dead. As the two paramedics await the next call, they banter back-and-forth about the importance of saving one more life. Three dead and they lose the game. Three saved and they win. At last, another call comes. Nick and Bud speed along "The Twist" one more time and happen upon a car recently uprighted by the young drivers. The crash, they believe, is not serious, so they plan to head back. Before they can turn back, however, their instructions are made more clear - there is an overturned vehicle in flames further up the street. The two hurry towards the crash hoping to make up one more point for the win in their game. When they arrive, they see two bodies... twisted and burning yet thrown clear of the crash. Callously hoping they are not dead for the sake of their game, the ambulance drivers approach the two bodies. Upon closer inspection, the bodies are revealed to be those of Nick and Bud themselves - the crashed vehicle their burning ambulance. The story fades... when in a race of life vs. death, you are always in a dead heat.

The second story, "Fish Story" by Jack Oleck and Alex Nino opens with Cain being told a story by Tom Leeds in the House of Mystery. Tom and his wife, Anne, found a mysterious creature on the banks of a lake during their honeymoon. Tom wishes to take the creature to the authorities but Anne convinces him to allow her to keep the reptile as a pet. (allegory anyone?) They return home and build an aquarium for the strange creature and watch it grow at an amazing rate. Whenever Tom is close to the creature, he experiences agonizing headaches but is afraid to report the new creature to the authorities. As the creature grows, the Leeds build larger and larger aquariums to suit its larger size yet still keep its existence a secret. While out shopping, however, a delivery man enters the house to leave a package. He sees the creature, which has now been named "Triton" by Anne, and runs in fear. As Anne and Tom return from town, they see the delivery man running from their house... with Triton not far behind. The creature quickly and mercilessly kills the delivery driver and forces (through hypnotism?) Anne and Tom back into the house. There, Triton reveals his powers (to shoot airplanes out of the sky, kill from a distance, and sink ships at sea) along with his predetermined plan to take over the world. Tom is set on contacting the authorities but is stricken with a painful headache as Triton reminds him that HE controls their thoughts and actions. Triton then demands to be taken to the sea where he will launch his attack on humans. "All life came from the sea, therefore a sea creature deserves to inherit the earth," he says. Unable to resist, Tom and Anne take Triton to the sea and set him free. Amidst Triton's laughter at his success, Tom also laughs. "Freedom?" he thinks... for he knows Triton's future is death. Triton was spawned in a freshwater lake... after being placed in the salty sea, the creature uncerimoniously passes away and sinks to the bottom.

We then return the Cain and the Witch as they chide Destiny for his role in Abel's death. Yet they hear his voice from across the ledge... they look over, and Abel is saved - hanging from a branch off the side of the cliff.

A backup one-pager by Sergio Aragones shows the Witch plotting to drive fear into everyone's hearts while standing over a smoking pot. The smoke spreads over the entire earth... But, in the last panel, her plan is undone as she is accosted by an army in gas masks...

ah... groo.

All-in-all, this issue was somewhat of a dissapointment. DC, with the exceptions of Tomb of Dracula and Werewolf by Night, has almost always done horror better than Marvel. I was excited to read this issue, but both tales seemed rather lackluster and did not have the punch of other stories. (even anthalogies) The art was, overall, quite good. Very standard fare for DC horror works, and, frankly, the stories weren't that far away from other DC horror stories. This is no Swamp Thing or I...Vampire; the stories were mediocre, but the scripting is probably what bothered me the most. Especially in the Dead Heat story as I felt that had more promise... better luck next time.