Ninja Turtles

Does anyone else find it odd that all those "surveys" or "tests" or whatever that "prove" whether or not one is depressed always ask: 1) have you thought about killing yourself? or 2) have you actually made a plan to kill yourself?

It seems to me to be quite normal that people would wonder if the world would be better off without them. It seems even more normal to wonder whether or not the individual people involved in your life would be better off without you. Has anyone really ever not thought about just removing themself from the... errm... "situation?" As it were. I imagine it's a smaller (but not small) number of people who have really thought about what they'd do. I mean, usually, it's just like, "Man, just one single gunshot through the face would do it." But, honestly, I think you'd want to make sure you go to the bathroom... not really eat anything for a day (b/c you know you're going to shit yourself when you die, and that's just tacky)... then maybe get a pillow or something... lie (lay?) down in the bathtub, turn the shower on, put the pillow behind your head (so as to stop the bullet from going all the way through and breaking the tub), and then just pull the trigger. The water should wash all the goo down the drain, the pillow (or phone book?) should save the tub, the lack of eating should remove the "shit yourself" scenario, and - all in all - it should be fairly clean.

Not that I REALLY think I would do such a thing... maybe b/c I'm chicken... but I don't think so. You might be a total loser who everyone hates in real life, but killing yourself just makes you a loser to the nth degree. Selfish, weak, and not at all fair to anyone. So I don't advocate it. I'm not asking for help over the fucking internet for God's sake. I'm not planning on shooting myself in a pillow. Just wondering. Is it really that odd for people to wonder if things wouldn't just be better without them.

Apart from crazy stockbrokers who jump off bridges b/c they lost money... (or Judas Priest fans)... it seems like most depressed or suicidal people are depressed or suicidal due to their inability to relate to other people. Sure, some of one's inability to relate could certainly be due to the situation in which one finds oneself. But I imagine it's also possible to have a personality such that you just can't interact with people, and you are (or everyone is) better off if you just stop trying to force yourself into other people's lives. Either you change or you make everyone miserable. Does inability to "relate" to other people mean that there's something "wrong" with you? I don't think it's any worse than someone being unable to... I dunno... make bologna sandwiches or something. It's not "wrong," but, in a group of people excited about bologna, you're just not going to fit in. Which would suck for the guy who thinks he WANTS to make bologna sandwiches but can't... and for the people who want to and can... as long as the guy who can't continues to try to force himself into the group. It sure does seem obvious to most people that you need TWO pieces of bread for a bologna sandwich. But not for idiot me. And I guess it should be obvious that you need cheese too. And that you should grill the sandwich. But you should grill the bologna first. And candian bacon is not a good substitute for bologna. And you need to cut the crust off the bread. And you need to only get organic bologna... or... whatever... I really can't think of that many things about making a bologna sandwich. Except that it needs mustard. Mustard's good on 'em to me.

Right at this particular moment in time, I don't think I know how to make a bologna sandwich. I'm tired. And I'm going to read Ninja Turtles comics now.


And then kill myself.





that was a joke.

well, kind of. I will have a cigarette and finish this bottle of wine.

"The hammer's cocked but I haven't got the nerve...
Alone in a world told to sit still and serve.
I'll do it slowly... a little each day.
God, please let the darkness just take it away."

Then I'll read Ninja Turtles.