poor Sonya...

I was supposed to be watching Blood Diamond tonight... but I couldn't be sucked into sitting in front of the tv for an extended period of time. It just felt wrong for some reason. Even though it's raining and lightninging and is perfect for a movie. For some reason, however, it just seemed more perfect to read. So I did. Finally back to C&P in some minor fashion.

There's a bit... two words, really... when Raskolnikov is having that one really important conversation with Sonya after the memorial dinner... the words "painful indifference" come up.

At first glance maybe it's an oxymoron and Dostoevsky is stupid. Then I actually think about it, and it's just a feeling about one's lack of feeling regarding a separate situation.

Which really isn't all that special.

I mean, to me personally, of course. What is special to Me, Personally is the idea of "painful indifference" as a state into which one enters knowingly. Being unable to really care one way or the other about a situation b/c caring precludes Movement. Confusion of Direction. Change. Uncomfortable Situations. Obfuscation of Purpose. Indifference to the possibilities of the unknown is the only defense.

Maybe it's more on track to say something about how indifference is forced once you realize that something you care about is no longer something that exists. (or has the potential to exist)

Yeah... that's got to be more what Raskolnikov was getting at. (wow... I'm probably so totally making this up) He's got to tell Sonya this thing... that's a bad thing. That, in his mind, ruins any idea he has about what his life could be like with this girl. (she's, like, an ex-hooker, I'm pretty sure. (The is the Russian version of Pretty Woman... (except that Richard Gere is a murderer... (which is maybe better than that gerbil thing...)))) What?

So, he has to force himself to become indifferent about what he wants b/c he sees it slipping away. Or, more to the point, being harshly ripped away. That's pretty painful indifference.

I mean, I guess it is.

...

Of course, he did kill that old bitch, so maybe it's just karma.

But, poor Sonya! I would like to put together a phrase that would make a handful of people pause and consider the place of that phrase in the world. Adjective + Noun would be nice I think. Adverb-ly + verb seems like it would be too "Refrigerator poetry" or something.