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Two posts in one day... weird, I know... Talking to an old old friend last night, which got me thinking. (... at the risk of pissing anyone off... I MIGHT say something offensive below. I might not, but I might. Since this is my website, I figure I can say whatever I want to, and you don't have to read it, but I also figure it's polite to say that I might offend somebody in case there are some random people reading this drivel... so, I've said it. And that being said, these are my own musings and are not aimed at or intended to hurt anyone.) About Christianity kind of. And what it does for/to one's wants. If Christianity has something that you want, (a thing or person or job or something kind of tangible in a way) and the only way to get it is to really become a Christian, (not learn about it or understand it, but really BECOME) then you will probably never get it. Say, you really want to be a youth pastor of your old church b/c you enjoyed it when you were a kid or what have you. But you're not REALLY Christian. And you pretty much have to be in order to be in this position. You have two options... try to fake it and get what you want or concentrate on being Christian in hopes that you might get what you want. If you go the first route, you may eventually get what you want, but you'll most assuredly lose it due to your deception. (given time) And, if you go the second route, you might be able to keep what you want, but you'll most assuredly never actually get it. Turns out that a huge part of Christianity is forgoing one's individual wants and desires. Giving into Christianity means totally forgetting anything and everything you ever wanted. Because you're going to let God decide what's best for you. And you will accept what happens b/c it is what God has chosen to have happen to you. On one hand, it's kind of ok sounding. You don't have to really worry about anything. Doesn't mean you don't have to DO anything, but you really shouldn't have to worry about anything. The only reason people worry is because they're afraid that their plan for their life is going to get screwed up. If your plan for your life is God's plan for your life, and He won't tell you that plan (which, apparently, He won't), then how can you ever be worried that the plan is off track as long as you're doing what you think God is telling you to do? But I'm getting off topic about the want stuff. If you totally give your life over (meaning that you no longer have a plan for yourself), then you simply stop wanting anything other than God's plan. (I think) So, that job you wanted? Unless God also wants you to be doing that job and not anything else, you aren't going to get it. Of course, if you're a good Christian, you won't care, b/c you'll be following God's plan. Realizing that becomming a Christian inherently means that you should be giving up everything you wanted to do with your life is tough. And, I suppose all I'm saying is that it's totally pointless to want anything that a lack of a true sense of Christianity is blocking you from having. And I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing yet. I know that I try to see myself in terms of the things that I want to do with my life or the things that I want in life. And I think I've always done that. And I'd be surprised to find out that that's not what other people do too. The point of life has been to figure out what I want and do what I can to get it. Some things that I want, I figured out years ago and have wanted ever since. Some things, I'm not totally sure what I want yet. But that's how I grow, dammit. Figure out what you want, try to get it, succeed or fail, figure out what you want... blahblahblah... So, Christianity is simply offering to take away my ability to determine what I want. Or what is good for me. And, if something is not good for me, and I'm living a Christian life, I'm not going to get that something no matter how much I want it. Ugh... probably should have written this last night if it wasn't so late. If you actually got this far in reading this, sorry I've got no major climax. The whole Religion thing just annoys me so much. The more I think I figure out about it, the less I like the idea of it, and the more I think it might be true. It's good to know the truth, but it sucks when the truth turns out to be the exact opposite of what you wanted it to be.